hocus pocus bee em double yoos

.. A week without certain job to do; you bet it sucked! ..

Gastritis and headache attacked me, and made me feel lonely and depressed. Ah..!

I practically forget (read: stop expecting too much) the new job; Forgetting the MCU result.

Although, I’m trying not to forget to pray, I sometimes missed the pray time. But I believe that God gives the best for me.

And the most disturbing thing is usually at this kind of circumstances the best thing to do is having sex, but, I can’t, I may not. I’m trying to find the other way to heal instead of having sex.

SPENDING MONEY!

Yes it always works. But, it can’t be the best way now, not during this crisis! Well, I have to admit that is a little bit relief for me knowing that now I’m not the only one who having this crisis.

And it’s not only about the crisis, but I had figured out that I’m not the only one who feel like stranger in my own house (my parent’s), and I’m not the only one who afraid of losing the ones I love, and certainly not the only one who have problems in showing how much I care to those persons I love.

I’M NOT THE ONLY ONE! YOU HEAR ME!! YES! *jump*

….. *thinking of what to do next…..

I have a list:

1. 1. Get this new job (PRAYING).

2. 2. Taking the Elisa test.

3. 3. Looking for GF.

4. … Before I find the GF who I’m looking for; making love with the man I really like!

So much for the list, isn’t it? :-D, I even not sure whether I can do it.

And even so, I still have more “gay friends” list in my YM list than my “to do” list. *another meaningless statement*

G O D, I don’t even know what to write anymore. This keyboard has stopped inspiring me, no more rhythm circulated from my fingers.

perpetual struggle

.. It’s not the world that got twisted, it's me ..

He said that he want to kiss me for the very last time.

For the last time.. AGAIN??!!

So I said no.

I've been in that "for the last time" situation for many times before.
And then I met him, but just like a de ja vu, it happened all over again last night.

For the last time.. *sigh!

I’m sick.. I’m sick.. I’m sooooo sick! I had enough with all that stuff, all that so-called crush, love, lust.. whatever!!!

And my friend said that I would end up alone if I couldn’t change my attitude. He said it at exactly in the moment I realized that I just had the baskin robbins relationship. The kind that I long for..

Now it’s too late.

The moment he let me go, I knew that he wasn’t into me that much. He just admires me.

He said that he admires my quality, respect my personality, and kinda like me.

And my sanity told me that I should leave all this behind, forget all about this, let him go, let him out..

But my heart just made all the audience stand and give big applause when told me that I love him and I’m so stupid to leave him..

GOD!

I need to get off of this town! I should go. And I pray hoping to get the job. Amin

I wish I could turn back time, I wish he would ask me to stay. But that will never happen.

I've tried so hard
To make you understand
That this is not a lie
Believe in me
And if you take my hand
And look me in the eyes

What other reason can I give to you
When I want you and I need you
What other reason can I give to you
When I want you, 'cos I love you

The two of us
Have got a fighting chance
But you don't want to win
Now is the time
You gotta, break the chains
But don't you dare give in

How much stronger must I stay
Until you find out you believe
In love

Johnny Hates Jazz – What Other Reason

another coca cola relationship

.. love ends in many different ways ..

and for me; it always exactly in different ways, complicated causes, various situations.

Well, I never expect that this one would end. After all who doesn't want to be happy anyway. And I believe that I have proper sanity to think the same way. I want to be happy.

So who's gonna get the blame?

NO ONE!

I know this is not me, not them, not anyone.. who causing this “freaking-stinky-loneliness” But the worse is I'm starting to believe that maybe this is part of my destiny.. The path that I must go through..

Oh Heaven help ME!

Even a tattoo on my upper hips can't help it. That two hours of misery just not worth it anymore!

I want a man.. Not a boy who thinks he can.. * yes I steal this line from spice girls..*

Well, of course I love him, I care about him.... But I just can't feel it anymore? Is it the because of my age? Hey Hello!! I'm still in my twenties.. how can this happen? How can my so-called logical sense dominating the delusional sense part. Where did the so-called “butterfly in my stomach, love vibration” go?? WHERE??

ah. life...

I want a baskin robbins kind of relationship, not a coca cola...

I want to have it for myself, lick it to the last drop and no one can feel what I feel..

Not the kind of switchable, common-tasted relationship.

ah. life...

the funniest thing of all is when I'm not expecting anything from someone, he just give me way too much than I need..


I wander through fiction
To look for the truth
Buried beneath all the lies
I stood at a distance to feel who you are
Hiding myself in your eyes

Hold on before it’s too late
Or until we leave this behind
Don’t fall just be who you are
It’s all that we need in our lives

Now the risk that might break you
Is the one that would save
A life you don’t live is still lost
So stand on the edge with me
Hold back your fear and see
Nothing is real til it’s gone

Hold on before it’s too late
Or until we leave this behind
Don’t fall just be who you are
It’s all that we need in our lives

So live like you mean it
And love til you feel it
It’s all that we need in our lives
Stand on the edge with me
Hold back your fear and see
nothing is real til its gone

Hold on before it’s too late
Or until we leave this behind
Don’t fall just be who you are
It’s all that we need in our lives

It’s all that I need in my life

- Before It's Too Late, Goo Goo Dolls -

bed premonition

.. never once in my life I feel so worry about someone ..

I'm amazed on how he can make me feel this way. Can make me so worry about him, make me missing him, make me longing for him, and make me want to pray for him..

I think I'm in love with him way too much. And I know this is not good for me. But all I know and all I want is this, to have this feeling, to keep him inside my heart..

I miss you so much. Take care and get well soon.


I'm in love with you, you silly thing
Anyone can see
What is it with you, you silly thing
Just take it from me
It was not a chance meeting
Feel my heart beating
You're the one

You could take all this, take it away
I'd still have it all
Cause I've climbed the tree of life
And that is why, no longer scared if I fall

When I get lost in space
I can return to this place
Cause, you're the one

Nothing fails
No more fears
Nothing fails
You washed away my tears
Nothing fails
No more fears
Nothing fails
Nothing fails

I'm not religious
But I feel so moved
Makes me want to pray,
Pray you'll always be here

I'm not religious
But I feel such love
Makes me want to pray

When I get lost in space
I can return to this place
Cause, you're the one

I'm not religious
But i feel so moved
Mmmm mmm...
I'm not religious
Makes me want to pray

I'm not religious
But i feel so moved
Makes me want to pray
Pray you'll always be here
I'm not religous
But i feel such love
makes me want to pray

I'm not religious (I'm not religious)
But I feel so moved (but it makes want to pray)
I'm not religious (I'm not religious)
Makes me want to pray (But it makes me want to pray)
I'm not religious (makes me want to)
But I feel so moved (pray)
I'm not religious (pray)
Makes me want to pray (pray)

Nothing fails
No more fears
Nothing fails
You washed away my tears
Nothing fails
No more fears
Nothing fails

- nothing fails, madonna -

mid year inspiration

.. Finally, I found the inspiration, the one who inspires me ..

“He's different”, I told to my best friend. He's none like previous guys ever..

Well, I hope so.

He's fitting me, so perfect. I'm not afraid to say I love him, anymore. But still I can't find the perfect words when he's standing in front of me.. I'm hoping that someday he will know this; how he has now become my inspiration.

I love him in every details; the way he talk, the way he walk, the way he sleep, the way he hug me, the way he think about me, the way he love his family, the way he smile, the way he laugh, the way he make me see things, the way he think about things.. I love everything about him! And definitely I love the way we make love...

I'm into him so much...!

But I'm afraid. I'm afraid that I will be a bad influence for him. I'm afraid that I could never be the one to be proud of. And I'm afraid that maybe someday he would find someone better than I am and leave me.

*sigh*

I hope he can love me for who I am.

I love you.

Hey baby, when we are together, doing things that we love.
Every time you're near I feel like I’m in heaven, feeling high
I don’t want to let go, girl.
I just need you to know girl.

I don’t wanna run away, baby you’re the one I need tonight,
No promises.
Baby, now I need to hold you tight, I just wanna die in your arms

Here tonight

Hey baby, when we are together, doing things that we love.
Every time you're near I feel like I’m in heaven, feeling high
I don’t want to let go, girl.
I just need you to know girl.

I don’t wanna run away, baby you’re the one I need tonight,
No promises.
Baby, now I need to hold you tight, I just wanna die in your arms

I don’t want to run away, I want to stay forever, through Time and Time..
No promises

I don’t wanna run away, I don’t wanna be alone
No Promises
Baby, now I need to hold you tight, now and forever my love

No promises

I don’t wanna run away, baby you’re the one I need tonight,
No promises.
Baby, now I need to hold you tight, I just wanna die in your arms

I don’t wanna run away, baby you’re the one I need tonight,
No promises.
Baby, now I need to hold you tight, I just wanna die in your arms
Here tonight.

- No Promises, Shayne Ward -

throwing eggs

.. It hurts more than anything, when you decided to leave a quarter part of your soul ..

It took few days to think what I’m going to do to deal with the problems. I’m still wondering how she can be so irritating and I can’t even stay in the same room with her, can’t stand on the same ground, can’t see through the same light, can’t hear the same voice…

Shu! Stay away! You’re hurting me…!

Yes, I know they will stay with you here. No, that’s why I will not stay.

You think I will cry? No, I was crying and ran out of tears!

You think I will suffer? No, I was suffering and now I’m moving on!

You think I will regret? Yes, I will… And no need to explain why!

It is so messed up inside my head; it even feels like a plane crash inside my heart!

But I’m moving on… back into the crowd again, searching for something or someone; they who can help me.. Or even back to those in the past. I don’t care.. I just want to move on and leave you laughing here! Laughing at me.. Laughing at my back until you show your tongue and get your throat out of your neck! And I will never care!

.. I’ve tried and still couldn’t describe how much this hurts! Ahh.. BITCH! ..


I never knew perfection til
I heard you speak, and now it kills me
Just to hear you say the simple things
Now waking up is hard to do
And sleeping is impossible too
Everything is reminding me of you
What can I do?

It’s not right, not OK
Say the words that you say
Maybe we’re better off this way?
I’m not fine, I’m in pain
It’s harder everyday
Maybe we’re better off this way?
It’s better that we break…

A fool to let you slip away
I chase you just to hear you say
You’re scared and that you think that I’m insane

The city look so nice from here
Pity I can’t see it clearly
While you’re standing there, it disappears
It disappears

It’s not right, not OK
Say the word it should say

Maybe we’re better off this way?
I’m not fine, I’m in pain
It’s harder everyday
Maybe we’re better off this way?
It’s better that we break

Saw you sitting all alone
You’re fragile and you’re cold, but that’s all right
Life these days is getting rough
They’ve knocked you down and beat you up
But it’s just a rollercoaster anyway, yeah

It’s not right, not OK
Say the words that you say
Maybe we’re better off this way?
I’m not fine, I’m in pain
It’s harder everyday
Maybe we’re better off this way?

I’m not fine, not OK
Say the words that you say
Maybe we’re better off this way?

I’m not fine, I’m in pain
It’s harder everyday
Maybe we’re better off this way?
It’s better that we break, baby

- Better That We Break, Maroon 5 -

early year blossom

Please tell me that this is not happening again.

Crushed on someone who could never be mine!

Now I’m questioning the question on him that used to be the question that I asked to myself:

Why I am gay? Why he is gay?

I’m pretty sure that no one would notice that he’s gay, until he opens his gayness to the person. He is a so-called beautiful-hunk with charming look and attitude who may be noticed as a gentleman.

It feels funny whenever I think about what would be on the mind of those flight attendants who are girls, when he enters the classroom and smile at them. I’m sure they are all going to feel the same way as I had last night. The butterfly in the stomach; the vibration that lingers inside the heart which melting into some kind of attracted feeling that was try to not be shown and now has converted into some kind of denial.

No, I wouldn’t like him. I would never think that I and he could be committed in a relationship. NEVER! NEVER! I said NEVER!

….. Everyone knows that when I say NEVER it means I am!

I just wish that he wouldn’t delete my pictures from his portable picture viewer. I just wish that even though he didn’t reply my messages, he would always think of me.

ARRRRRGGHH!! I hate this drama queen act! Please bite me!! Hit me back to reality!

And I feel like the obsession has grown even stronger, generating the psychopath inside me. I want him! Really want him. I need to make him mine. Be mine! Please be mine!

You should be mine ! ! ! ! !

The more you ignore me
The closer I get
You're wasting your time
The more you ignore me
The closer I get
You're wasting your time

I will be
In the bar
With my head
On the bar
I am now
A central part
Of your mind's landscape
Whether you care
Or do not
Yeah, I've made up your mind

The more you ignore me
The closer I get
You're wasting your time
The more you ignore me
The closer I get
You're wasting your time

Beware !
I bear more grudges
Than lonely high court judges
When you sleep
I will creep
Into your thoughts
Like a bad debt
That you can't pay
Take the easy way
And give in
Yeah, and let me in
Oh, let me in
Oh let me ...
Oh, let me in

IT'S WAR
IT'S WAR
IT'S WAR
IT'S WAR
IT'S WAR
WAR
WAR
WAR
WAR
Oh, let me in
Ah, the closer I get
Ah, you're asking for it
Ah, the closer I get

- The More You Ignore Me The Closer I get, Morrissey -

What you get on 80 km/h

And I’m wondering…

Something other people can do while I can’t.

Caught in this twisted-metropolis-life makes me realized that I should catch up. I should stay in the track and move fast. Never give a chance for other to kick me off of the track. But I didn’t realize that the faster I move the bigger chance for other to kick me out! But then I start to think, why should I care??! Or should I?

And the next thing to think is why other people would like to kick me out? Is it me who has becoming a paranoid?

Well, maybe it is! The long-term single life and non-fancy-job gets to freak me out!

Until this morning, when I was driving my old BMW on the highway; I got frustrated! The speed couldn’t get even more than 80km/h, imagining how the heading traffic jam could be; I had a stomachache!

And to get cure from this pain in the stomach, I know that I have to relax. And I was trying to enjoy the trip by looking at the green grass aside and beautiful clouds over. And that time I knew that is not so bad to drive slowly, it was great indeed! I never notice before that the green grass and the light that glitters over the dust in the air could be very beautiful, not to mention the gradation of light spectrums which made between the clouds.

And then I was thinking, what would happened if I moved slower through my life. Would it be better? Or even get worse?

And that was it!! When I could get nothing when I move like a flash in the night (hihi, just another lousy hyperbole!), I should have a chance to get something when I move slowly. At least I would notice what happens around me. At least I would notice what’s wrong with me that make me so hard to find love (Yet, I still believe in love).

And so I’ve decided for next year resolution; GO SLOW.

It means that I have to take everything easy, and stay on the track. And still, I will make a double standard on any aspects in my life, including when I’m looking for my lusty-love partner.

He must be a nice-cute-adorable-huggable-kissable-.. ermm suckable hottie! Yummy; Yes Mommy I want him!! I want him!!!

Bye-bye 2007! So long my lovers……

[Verse 1]

I Wake up with blood-shot eyes.
Struggled to memorize.
The way it felt between your thighs.
Pleasure that made you cry.
Feels so good to be bad.
Not worth the aftermath, after that,
After that.
Try to get you back.

[Bridge 1]

I still don't have the reason.
And you don't have the time.
And it really makes me wonder,
If I ever gave a fuck about you

[Chorus 1]

Give me something to believe in,
Because I don't believe in you anymore,
Anymore.
I wonder if it even makes a difference to try.
(Yeah)
So this is goodbye.

[Verse 2]

God damn my spinning head.
Decisions that made my bed.
Now I must lay in it.
And deal with things I've left unsaid.
I want to dive into you.
Forget what you're going through.
I get behind, and make your move.
Forget about the truth.

[Bridge 2]

I still don't have a reason.
And you don't have the time.
And it really makes me wonder,
If I ever gave a fuck about you.

[Chorus 2]

Give me something to believe in.
Because I don't believe in you anymore,
Anymore.
I wonder if it even makes a difference,
It even makes a difference to try. (yeah)
And you told me how you're feelin',
But I don't believe it's true anymore,
Anymore.
I wonder if it even makes a difference to cry.
(Oh no)
So this is goodbye.

[Verse 3]

I've been here before.
One day I'll wake up,
And it won't hurt anymore,
You caught me in a lie,
I have no alibi,
The words you said don't have a meaning,
because..

[Bridge 3]

I still don't have a reason.
And you don't have the time.
And it really makes me wonder,
If I ever gave a fuck about you and I..
And so this is goodbye.

[Chorus 3]

Give me something to believe in.
Because I don't believe in you anymore,
Anymore.
I wonder if it even makes a difference,
It even makes a difference to try.
And you told me how you're feelin',
But I don't believe it's true anymore,
Anymore.
I wonder if it even makes a difference to cry.
(Oh no)
So this is goodbye, (oh no)
So this is goodbye, (oh no)
(yeah)
So this is goodbye, (oh no)
(yeah)

So this is goodbye.

- Makes Me wonder, Maroon 5 -

autistic syndrome to say I love you...

I was just visiting my friends’ profile on Facebook in a few minutes ago, and there they are with their happy faces appears on the photo album. And I began to wonder what was on their mind at that moment, at the moment they were smiling. Will their smile last forever? Was it real? Was it has been made up to cover the emptiness inside them? And the final question is;

ARE THEY HAPPY WITH THEIR LIFE AND FOR BEING WHO THEY ARE?

And when it’s my turn to answer such question, I’ll say:

YES, OF COURSE, WHY SHOULDN’T I?

Yeah, why shouldn’t we be happy with our own life? Even though perhaps the reality bites us even more hurt than we could ever imagine. When there’s not enough money to pay the bills, when there’s no love to share, when we have to deal with heartbreaks, when we can’t get what we have longing for.

How? How? How? And HOW?

-- BOGHNYAH’s answer would be; Be AUTISTIC!!!

AUTISTIC: Characteristic of or affected with autism

AUTISM: (psychiatry) an abnormal absorption with the self; marked by communication disorders and short attention span

Or for details please don’t hesitate to contact our expert; NYONYAH BENCONG! --

By being autistic we could develop better defense and prevent heartbreaks, it is like we create our own world, our own space, our own universe. It’s how we don’t care about other’s thoughts. It’s how we make our dreams come true! *well, of course not in a real life!

And please pay attention and realize the implications of this behavior. Just don’t get it too much. Or else you’ll be trapped in an anti-reality situation. And when this happens, please ask your friend to hit you back into reality, and let them bite you!

Well, back to the question and my answer;

I’M HAPPY WITH MY LIFE AND FOR BEING WHO I AM! NOW AND EVER!

Why? Why? Why? And WHY?

Because I have learnt how to be a better autistic =p and I always try to keep this love alive. But, the main reason why I’m still survive in this so called twisted life is I have so many people to love and they who love me. And even they don’t care, they would still let me to keep this feeling.

And I just wanna say thanks to someone; he’s the one whom letting me to keep this desire inside of me, he’s the one whom really know how to make me feel safe and sound, he’s the one whom I will care for, he’s the one whom has give me a chance to feel happy even it was only for one night.

-- A simple kiss on the cheek that flew me to heaven and had made me stupidly surrender.. -- haha..

And thanks for asking me to stop calling myself silly. Because it makes me realize that is neither stupid nor silly to be crushed on you. And it also makes me realize that I’m really jealous with your boyfriend, the one who has your heart.

And last thing is, I wanna say sorry for losing control on this feeling I have and for still expecting for you to care for me just the way I care for you. I just can’t help it; I’m into you so much!

Thanks and Sorry.

-- In my autistic world; I can feel you --

Only tell me that you still want me here
When you wander off out there
To those hills of dust and hard winds that blow
In that dry white ocean alone

Lost out in the desert
You are lost out in the desert

To stand with you in a ring of fire
I'll forget the days gone by
I'll protect your body and guard your soul
From mirages in your sight

Lost out in the desert

If your hopes scatter like the dust across your track
I'll be the moon that shines on your path
The sun may blind our eyes, I'll pray the skies above
For snow to fall on the Sahara

If that's the only place where you can leave your doubts
I'll hold you up, and be your way out
And if we burn away, I'll pray the skies above
For snow to fall on the Sahara

Just a wish and I will cover your shoulders
With veils of silk and gold
When the shadows come and darken your heart
Leaving you with regrets so cold

Lost out in the desert

If your hopes scatter like the dust across your track
I'll be the moon that shines on your path
The sun may blind our eyes, I'll pray the skies above
For snow to fall on the Sahara

If that's the only place where you can leave your doubts
I'll hold you up, and be your way out
And if we burn away, I'll pray the skies above
For snow to fall on the Sahara

- Snow on Sahara, Anggun -

crushed on the star

I never thought that I could finally successful dealing with this kind of situation.

I know that I could never deny that I really want him. His lips, his eyes, his face, his perfect body shape, his everything are so perfect for me. In other side, I just know that I may not in love with him and let this physical attraction remains on its purpose.

Too many things to be learnt from my previous so called broken-hearted-twisted-up-experiences, and when I said that I’ll make a double standard; I mean it! I don’t wanna be fooled anymore! Enough is enough!

I wouldn’t say that he’s like an angel sent from heaven, though I think he might be.

I wouldn’t think that he’d like me, though there is a little desire kept in my heart.

I wouldn’t open my heart for him, though he opens it a little by little.

I wouldn’t and I would never be fooled again! Even though any living creatures in this universe would know that I’m lying to myself. They know how much I will care for him. They know exactly that in time I’ll fall and get ruined again.

I only wish that he know this, he know how much fragile I could be, so he wouldn’t make me fly and then throw me to the same hole just like any other guys in my life before.

Watch my life pass me by
in the review mirror
Pictures frozen in time
are becoming clearer
I don't wanna waste another day stuck in the
shadow of my mistakes
yeah

'cause I want you
and I feel you
crawling underneath my skin,
like a hunger
like a burning
to find the place I've never been
now I'm broken
and I'm fading
I'm half the man I thought I would be
But you can have
What's left of me

I've been dying inside
Little by little
Nowhere to go
But goin' out of my mind
In endless circles
runnin' from myself until
You gave me a reason for standing still

And I want you
and I feel you
crawling underneath my skin
like a hunger
like a burning
to find the place I've never been
now I'm broken
and I'm fading
I'm half the man I thought I would be
But you can have
What's left of me

Falling faster
Barely breathing
Give me something to believe in
Tell me it's not all in my head

Take what's left of this man
Make me whole once again

'cause I want you
and I feel you
crawling underneath my skin
like a hunger
like a burning
to find the place I've never been
now I'm broken
and I'm fading
I'm half the man I thought I would be
You can have
All that's left
Yeah, yeah, yeah
What's left of me

I've been dying inside you see
I'm going out of my mind
Out of my mind
I'm just runnin' in circles all the time
Will you take what's left
Will you take what's left
Will you take what's left
Of me
Just runnin' in circles in my mind
Will you take what's left
Will you take what's left
Will you take what's left of me
Take what's left of me

- What's Left Of Me, Nick Lachey -

fagotarian versus vegetarian

My visit has finally over…

9 days spent in Malang and Tretes, stayed in three different four stars hotels with all day long internet connection; can you guess what a promiscuous-lonely-gay-boy did to spend his days? (of course besides looking for one…(emh lets make it ones)-night-stand partner(s) in manjam.com).

WATCHING HBO!

Drama and more drama! Had knowing that the mission would never be accomplished, this drama queer had decided to get the drama on television! And HBO was the only channel on his mind. Pathetic wasn’t it? And at the end of each day, what he got is not more than a so-called “horny-akut”.

But being sluttish-promiscuous (well, I started to love this word.. =p)-gay in this small city (I even wonder whether I can call this remote-low populated-area as a city!) were not so bad, because there was someone whom even more suffered than this cute fag; a Hinduism-vegetarian.

I’m ok if he ordered the food with no pork, butssss;

No Beef, No Lamb, No Chicken, No Egg, and NO FISH!!!!??? Is just too much for me!

I bet he wouldn’t even think to jerking-off on his empty-cold-room! =p

Hummpffh.. But, even though I hate to admit this; but I think I kinda bit envy him!

Yes Sir; I ENVY HIM!

See, I know that I will never survive without sex, and so how could I ever survive being such herbivore, when I’m so into “MEATS” !!.

And that’s what keeps me wondering how he and other Hindu-vegetarians can survive! They even can’t eat bread! *gulps*

Well, I guess that what is called as world balance; yin and yang. And I’m pretty sure that you can guess who was the yin and yang would be!

--- in temporary frigid mode


First they ignore you
Then laugh at you and hate you
Then they fight you, then you win
When the truth dies very bad things happen
They're being heartless again

I know it's coming there's going to be violence
I've taken as much as I'm willing to take
Why do you think we should suffer in silence?
When a heart is broken there's nothing to break

You've been mixing with some very heavy faces
The boys have done a bit of bird
They don't kill their own
And they all love their mothers
But you're out of your depth son have a word

I know it's coming there's going to be violence
I've taken as much as I'm willing to take
Why do you think we should suffer in silence?
The heart is broken there's nothing to break

All is wonderful in past lives
Dreaming of the sun she warms
You should see me in the afterlife
Picking up the sons of dust

When you think we're lost, we're exploring
What you think is worthless I'm adoring
You don't want the truth, truth is boring
I've got this fever need to
Leave the house, leave the car
Leave the bad men where they are
I'll leave a few shells in my gun
And stop me staring at the sun

I know it's coming there's going to be violence
I've taken as much as I'm willing to take
Why do you say we should suffer in silence?
My heart is broken there's nothing to break

- Tripping, Robbie Williams -

heaven must be missing an angel

… Feels like heaven coming over me …

After so-called breath-taking-drama has just over, he came into my life just like an angel sent from the heaven. Well, heaven must be missing an angel.. haha!

After the task deadlines with all their pending issues, the non-intellectual quarrel with the “brondong kampong” in Bogor, never-ending financial problems (jeez, when is my turn to get a better job??!!), family drama (still with the same old stories), the break up with my so-called discreet boyfriend who likes to hang out in gay crowd!, and all other frustrating incidents, I finally met him; my savior. I can only hoping that he wouldn’t be another heartbreak list on my door.

He’s a young successful dentist who lives in the heart of Jakarta. He’s a nice, cute, and down-to-earth person who is lovable and caring. The person who I could fall in love with.

Still, there are two things that are missing from him, two things that I always look in a man, but no, I will not tell you what he’s lack of, because I have learn how to compromise since I realized tht nobody’s perfect. And he’s just the perfect person for me. The most precious birthday gift ever and I hope I could be his precious birthday gift, too.

He makes me a better person, and the most positive influence that he gave me was he made mebelieve in love at first sight again. Yes, I was in love with him at the first sight.

Now it seems to me that you know just what to say
But words are only words, can you show me something else?
Can you swear to me, that you'll always be this way
Show me how you feel, more than ever baby

I don't wanna be lonely no more,
I don't wanna have to pay for this,
I don't wanna know the lover at my door,
Is just another heartache on my list
I don't wanna be angry no more,
But you know I could never stand for this,
So when you tell me that you love me know for sure,
I don't wanna be lonely anymore

Whoa.. Whoa.. Whoa.. Whoa.. Whoa.. Whoa.. Whoa.. Whoa..

Now It's hard for me, when my heart still on the mend,
Open up to me, like you do your girlfriends
Can you sing to me, and it's harmony, girl what you do to me is everything,
Make me say anything, just to get you back again, why can't we just try?

I don't wanna be lonely no more,
I don't wanna have to pay for this,
I don't wanna know the lover at my door,
Is just another heartache on my list
I don't wanna be angry no more,
But you know I could never stand for this,
So when you tell me that you love me know for sure,
I don't wanna be lonely anymore

Whoa.. Whoa.. Whoa.. Whoa.. Whoa.. Whoa.. Whoa.. Whoa..

What if I was good to you? What if you were good to me?
What if I could hold you 'til I feel you move inside of me?
What if it was paradise? And what if we were symphonies?
What if I gave all my life, to find some way to stand beside you?

I don't wanna be lonely no more,
I don't wanna have to pay for this,
I don't wanna know the lover at my door,
Is just another heartache on my list
I don't wanna be angry no more,
But you know I could never stand for this,
So when you tell me that you love me know for sure,
I don't wanna be lonely anymore

Whoa.. Whoa.. Whoa.. Whoa.. Whoa.. Whoa.. Whoa.. Whoa..

I don't wanna be lonely anymore
I don't wanna be lonely no more
I don't wanna be lonely anymore
I don't wanna be lonely no more
I don't, I don't, I know, I know,
I don't want to be lonely anymore

- Rob Thomas, Lonely No More -

a drama queen's monologue

I know that I must stop thinking about him and so there would be no necessity to call him in eventually. I know, I know it so well. Especially after he let me down for one more time, when I desperately looking for his smile; a cute-spoiled smile formed on his cherry lips…

Hush! Cut it out, you moron!!!!!!

“He never think about you, so why should you think about him?”, my best friend said.

She was right, I should hold on to myself. Hold on to my boyfriend. But.. No, no buts…. Just STOP!

Whispering; “if you could know what I’m feeling inside, would you let me know that you felt the same way for me… please.”

And this thing is what we call love, isn’t it? The so-called blind love. No, it doesn’t mean that I’m out of love for my boyfriend… No, it wouldn’t be that way. I still care for my boyfriend, even though with little c.

*sigh*

Let it never be said
That romance is dead
cos theres so little else
occupying my head
There is nothing i need
Except the function to breathe
but im not really fussed
it doesnt matter to meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

RubyRubyRubyRuby
DoyaDoyaDoyoya
Know what your doing, doing to me
RubyRubyRubyRuby

Due to lack of interest
tomorrow is cancelled
let the clocks be reset
and the pendulums held
cos theres nothing at all
except the space inbetween
findin out what your called
and repeating your naaaame

RubyRubyRubyRuby
DoyaDoyaDoyoya
Know what your doing, doing to me
RubyRubyRubyRuby

Could it be, Could it be
that your joking with me
and you don't really see you with meeeeeeee (repeat verse)

Instrument playing


RubyRubyRubyRuby
DoyaDoyaDoyoya
Know what your doing, doing to me
RubyRubyRubyRuby
DoyaDoyaDoyoya
Know what your doing, doing to me

- Kaiser Chief, Ruby -

the Merlion’s beats

It’s 11.30 PM and I still couldn’t sleep, thinking of what I should buy for everyone back in Jakarta; family, best friends, some of new friends, boy friend, and ..ehem.. =p

I have a sack of chocolates, yet I also have some pieces of clothes, but all of those things weren’t for myself, and then I started to think; “hey, what about myself?! How come I haven’t buy anything for myself, for my own pleasure????????!!!”. Well, yes I know I’ve spent SIN$ 30 for my new exotic experience. Yet, it was nothing compares to the SIN$135 Giordano-Concept casual jacket that I’m longing for. It was nothing compares to the money I’ve spent for those chocolates.

But then I realized, it was running on my blood. It was another so-called my mom’s genetic inheritance. Yeap, but when I get it all over again, I know that it’s all about the money. It’s one limitation that I have; don’t have enough money for everything for everyone. And this limitation has serious implication for my nerves; I get a headache!

Well, all my love ones, I hope you wouldn’t think that I don’t care about you. Since there are some priorities that I have to set and I always want for everyone to be happy, though. And so please don’t complain for what I will give to you, yet once again; it’s all about money. I still need the money to pay my bills and also to repair my car. So please.. please.. forgive me ok! I love you!

Ok now, I want to summarize my fabulous trip I had in the last few days;

Day I:
Couldn’t stop complaining about the SIN$ 38 that I had to pay for the GSM card! And so I sent the announcement to everyone about this issue, and it made me feel a little better. And the thing got even better when Vivi (my ex-gf, who gave me a surprising response when I called her at first time I’ve arrived in town) paid for our dinner at Resto Surabaya. And few hours later, after we had some conversation at the coffee shop, I had to admit that now she has become more mature and has an enormous changes on her attitude. I’m so proud of you babe!

Day II:
It was my first experience on using the MRT. It was such an exploration. Got lost within the stations and felt so grateful when I finally got to the destination. I’m really attached to the city!! And so I took some pictures (of course with myself as the main objects =p) on some hotspots, such as the so-called art-hall Esplanade, the legendary Merlion statue on the Singapore river, dinner at the Burger King’s and the last but would never be the least; TOWEL CLUB! =p

Day III:
I went to the Mustofa Center and hoping to get the best (read: cheapest) price for the stuff I need. Well, I ended up with a disappointment! I thought it would be better for me to shop at Glodok stores or Mangga Dua’s. The thing that could make me feel better was the interesting exchange rate at their money changer counter. So, I decided to trade my US$ 50 with SIN$ 75,55. And few seconds later the money decreased into SIN$ 50, since I have to pay my debts to Ohang who had earlier lend me his money to buy more chocolates. And before the night was over, I had a little time to meet my friend’s gorgeous-smart looks-straight friend who gave me the clothes and a cute little pin that were ordered by my friend.

Day IV:
Things had started to get me bored; I miss my mom and dad, I miss boghnyahs, I miss my boyfriend, and I miss billiard!! Yes guys, I was officially missing you. Got some clothes on the paper bag, but still it couldn’t stop me from missing you. Though on the other side; I really love this town and feels that I couldn’t leave. I must stay here. And it has become one of my next year’s resolutions; GET A JOB IN SINGAPORE!! And I mean it!


I can feel it coming in the air tonight, oh Lord
And I've been waiting for this moment for all my life, oh Lord
Can you feel it coming in the air tonight, oh Lord, oh Lord

Well if you told me you were drowning, I would not lend a hand
I've seen your face before my friend, but I don't know if you know who I am
Well I was there and I saw what you did, I saw it with my own two eyes
So you can wipe off that grin, I know where you've been
It's all been a pack of lies

And I can feel it coming in the air tonight, oh Lord
Well I've been waiting for this moment for all my life, oh Lord
I can feel it coming in the air tonight, oh Lord
Well I've been waiting for this moment for all my life, oh Lord, oh Lord

Well I remember, I remember, don't worry, how could I ever forget
It's the first time, the last time we ever met
But I know the reason why you keep your silence UP, oh no you don't fool me
Well the hurt doesn't show, but the pain still grows
It's no stranger to you and me

I can feel it coming in the air tonight, oh Lord
Well I've been waiting for this moment for all my life, oh Lord
I can feel it in the air tonight, oh Lord, oh lord
Well I've been waiting for this moment for all my life, oh Lord
I can feel it coming in the air tonight, oh Lord
And I've been waiting for this moment for all my life, oh Lord
I can feel it in the air tonight, oh lord, oh lord, oh lord
Well I've been waiting for this moment for all my life, oh lord, oh lord

I can feel it in the air tonight, oh lord, oh lord, oh lord, oh lord
And I've been waiting for this moment for all my life, oh lord, oh lord, oh lord
And I can feel it in the air tonight, Oh Lord...
I've been waiting for this moment, all my life, Oh Lord, Oh Lord


-Phil Collins, In The Air Tonight-

cold martabak

Sayang, loving you is like eating a piece of cold martabak in the middle of the night.

I wish that I could have other better food to eat, and though perhaps there are some choices left on the table, I would still choose the martabak. And in the next second, I wish that I could get a hot martabak other than a cold one, but then I realize that I could not ask for more. I’m stuck in the middle of the night and there is no one to help me to light up the fire.

No, I know that eating a cold martabak in the middle of the night is not good for me. But I’m so hungry; I’m so hunger for love, and I still can feel the sweetness of that cold martabak. And so I would stay eating the martabak while hoping the martabak could be warmer by itself.

What such a wishful thinking I had…

Please, love me better. Feel me and want me… Look inside me, and you will see that there is a little expectation inside. An expectation to be loved..; To get a better love.

So, once again; I’m begging you to feel me, to see me as deep as you can.. So you can see that the little man in front of you is in love with you. Still.

Just don’t wait until I’m drained out of love.. Drained out from loving you..

I love you.

* celebrating 2nd monthversary *


What if I took my time to love you?
What if I put no one above you?
What if I did the things
That really mattered?
What if I ran through
Hoops of disaster?

No one would care if
We never made it
We're in this alone
So why don't we face it
There is no room to
Blame one another
We just need time to
Forgive each other

[Chorus:]
What about love?
What about feeling?
What about all the things that make life worth living?
What about faith?
What about trust?
And tell me baby...what about us?

How can I give this
Love a new beginning?
How can I stop the rain?
It's never ending
How do I keep my soul believing?
Memories of how we
Should be keep calling

[Chorus]

I'll take the rivers rise
I'll take the happy times
I'll take the moments of disaster

- Lemar, What About Love -

minor evolution

Let me clear the air and say it one more time;

I’ve changed. I’m not the person who I used to be.

No Mom, you don’t have to tell me; I know I’ve changed. I’ve lost myself in the last few months and keep losing it each day. And you don’t have to ask me how or why, because I don’t have the answer.

I may not be her sweet little boy; no more, I may not their best friend; no more, I may not be his best lover; no more, I may not be nice to anyone; no more.

But they don’t mean that I’m losing my heart, they don’t turn me into a crap-monster-being.

I’ve change just like everyone else.

The situation changes me, and I’m just trying to cope.

Don’t ask me how I change and never ask me when it will stop.

It will, and I just don’t know when and how. But, it will. I promise you. I promise myself. I will get the pieces of me in eventually.

I’m sorry if I had turn into such disappointment. Just let me walk my own way.


Please don't think of me
If you do you gotta block it
I got chills tonight
And you can't be here to stop it
I'm not a parasite
It's just a lonely night
Tonight

I walked from the bar
'Cause they were only laughing
I wished on our star
But they covered it in satin
I'm not a gigolo
That's what I want you to know
Tonight

Ooh ooh
I've hurt you I can see
Ooh ooh
Do you think it's not hurting me

Ooh ooh
The grass ain't always green
And if it's hurting you
You know that's its hurting me
You know that's its hurting me

You'll meet other men
Who will break your heart
If I see you with them
It's gonna tear me apart

Maybe in another life
We wouldn't be alone
Tonight

Ooh ooh
I've hurt you I can see
Ooh ooh
Do you think its not hurting me

Ooh ooh
The grass ain't always green
And if it's hurting you
You know that it's hurting me
You know that it's hurting me
You know that it's hurting me
You know that it's hurting me

- If It's Hurting You, Robbie Williams -

burning bitch

How can I be so stupid, how can I let myself to get into such trouble?

50%; that’s the only chance I have to get him. It means that the rest 50% is the risk that I must take when I decide to leave my boyfriend.

Would I take the risk?

Would I take the risk?; For someone who hasn’t know me so well and either in the other way around.

Would I take the risk?; When I know that my boyfriend is so in love with me, though he doesn’t know or even never know how to show it.

Would I take the risk?; To be with someone who feels insecure and not sure whether he likes me too or doesn’t.

Would I take the risk?; To be with someone who looks so beautiful that it hurts.

Would I take the risk?; While there are so many men who want him as much as I am.

Should I give up?

Can I give up?

Would I give up on him?

Maybe I would, or maybe I don’t have to.



Monday night I feel so low
Count the hours they go so slow
I know the sound of your voice
Can save my soul
City lights, streets of gold
Look out my window to the world below
Moves so fast and it feels so cold
And I`m all alone

Don`t let me die
I`m losing my mind
Baby just give me a sign

And now that you`re gone
I just wanna be with you
And I can`t go on
I wanna be with you
Wanna be with you

I can`t sleep and I`m up all night
Through these tears I try to smile
I know the touch of your hand
Can save my life
Don`t let me down
Come to me now
I got to be with you some how
Repeat
Chorus

And now that you`re gone
Who am I with-out you now
I can`t go on
I just wanna be with you
Repeat
Chorus


- Be With You, Enrique Iglesias -

harakiri

Look at me now; I become a person that I hate most. I’m now have successfully converted into a jerk. What do you know?!

I’m guilty when I asked him to kiss me.

I’m guilty when I sucked his sweet-cherry-lips into mine.

I’m guilty when I couldn’t sleep thinking about how great our kiss was.

I’m guilty when I look deep inside his eyes whenever he looks at me.

And it means that I have officially regarded as the jerk of the year!

Fuck me asshole!!

Now I know why a person cheats.



there’s still a little bit of your taste in my mouth
there’s still a little bit of you laced with my doubt
it’s still a little hard to say what's going on

there’s still a little bit of your ghost your weakness
there’s still a little bit of your face i haven't kissed
you step a little closer each day
that I can´t say what´s going on

stones taught me to fly
love, it taught me to lie
life, it taught me to die
so it's not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball

there’s still a little bit of your song in my ear
there’s still a little bit of your words i long to hear
you step a little closer to me
so close that I can´t see what´s going on

stones taught me to fly
love, it taught me to lie
life, it taught me to die
so it's not hard to fall
when you float like a cannon..
stones taught me to fly
and love taught me to cry
so come on courage
teach me to be shy
cause it's not hard to fall
and i don't wanna scare him
it's not hard to fall
and i don't wanna lose
it's not hard to grow
when you know that you just don't know


- Cannonball, Damien Rice -

Lesson For Love No. 2

I feel like an immature brat. Though, perhaps it’s true since I’ve never had enough experience on this gay relationship thing.

And now, I keep asking for what I want, I keep asking for his attention, I keep asking for his time, I keep asking him to love me the way I want to be loved.

And then I figured out other lessons in gay relationship;

1. No relationship for love.

The idea came from my friend; he said that relationship is about everything but love. The stronger love you have, the bigger chance to fail. Some may survive, but most doesn’t.


2. Rome wasn’t built in a day.

Yes, now I know that I can’t expect love to happen in a short time. My best friend said that it would be silly to expecting love to blossom in a month. Though, I still believe in love at the first sight, I finally do. And it what makes me hold on to him and never give up on him.

Yet, I don’t know for how long this love can last. I only hope that it would be long enough. Though, I don’t know when I would be enough for love. Because it wouldn’t ever be enough, no one could be enough for love.


You and me we're meant to be
Walking free in harmony
One fine day we' ll fly away
Don't you know that Rome wasn't built in a day

In this day and age it's so easy to stress
'Cause people are strange and you can never second guess
In order to love child we got to be strong
I'm caught in the crossfire why can't we get along

'Cause you and me we're meant to be
Walking free in harmony
One fine day we'll fly away
Don't you know that Rome wasn't built in a day

I'm having a daydream, we're getting somewhere
I'm kissing your lips and running fingers through your hair
I'm as nervous as you 'bout making it right
Though we know we were wrong, we can't give up the fight
Oh no

'Cause you and me we're meant to be
Walking free in harmony
One fine day we' ll run away
Don't you know that Rome wasn't built in a day

You and me we're meant to be
Walking free in harmony
One fine day we'll fly away
Don't you know that Rome wasn't built in a day

You and me (you and me) we're meant to be (meant to be)
Walking free (walking free) in harmony (in harmony)
One fine day (one fine day) we'll ran away
(We gonna ran away, we gonna ran away)
Don't you know that Rome wasn't built in a day

You and me (you and me) we're meant to be (meant to be)
Walking free (walking free) in harmony (in harmony)
One fine day (one fine day) we'll fly away
(We gonna ran away, we gonna ran away)
Don't you know that Rome wasn't built in a day

- Morcheeba, Rome Wasn’t Built in A day -

numb and number

No, this is so not right!

It is happening all over again.. And I just can’t take it. 18 hours lying in my bed, became so numb!

No tears, no laugh, nothing…

I just yelled at my mom 5 hours ago, told her that I would never get married.

And now, I’m nearly can’t think of anything. All my future and hope become so blur. Get washed away with this pain.

Please, I need someone to wake me up from this nightmare.


I'm tired of being what you want me to be
feeling so faithless
lost under the surface
I don't know what you're expecting of me
put under the pressure
of walking in your shoes
[caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow]
every step that I take is another mistake to you
[caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow]

I've
become so numb
I can't feel you there
become so tired
so much more aware
I'm becoming this
all I want to do
is be more like me
and be less like you.

can't you see that you're smothering me
holding too tightly
afraid to lose control
cause everything that you thought I would be
is falling apart right in front of you.

[caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow],
every step that I take is another mistake to you
[caught in the undertow,just caught in the undertow]
and every second I waste is more than I can take.

I've
become so numb
I can't feel you there
become so tired
so much more aware
I'm becoming this
all I want to do
is be more like me
and be less like you.

And I know
I may end up failing too

But I know
you were just like me
with someone disappointed in you.

I've
become so numb
I can't feel you there
become so tired
so much more aware
I'm becoming this
all I want to do
is be more like me
and be less like you.

I've
become so numb
I can't feel you there
[tired of being what you want me to be]

- Numb, Linkin Park -

sayang

I’m writing this post just to remind me that there was one day in my life when I really falling in love with someone. Not just to fall in love with him, but to know that he’s falling for me, too.

I know that there’s nothing remains the same. And if someday we would lose this feeling, I would smile reading this post.

And tonight, I’m so grateful for having him in my life. Even though currently he’s not by my side, he will always be in my thought and heart.

Sayang, I love you.


Salahkah aku mencintaimu
Memilikimu, menyayangimu

Jangan paksakan kita untuk… s’lalu bersama…
Jangan paksakan kita untuk… s’lalu mencinta…

Salahkah aku mencintaimu
Memilikimu, menyayangimu

Bila kita harus berpisah, sudah
Biarkan ini semua berakhir, sudah

Cinta memang tak harus memiliki… yeahh

Jangan paksakan kita untuk… s’lalu bersama…
Jangan paksakan kita untuk… s’lalu mencinta…

- Nidji, Sudah -

standing in the absence of clarity

I’m still thinking hard to figure out what am I craving for?

They're right in the right and left side of me.

And I am standing still; try to ignore them. No, this wasn’t supposed to be like this, neither to be like that.

Stop; stop thinking about the consequences, stop thinking about the causes.

I just couldn’t handle myself. The night has getting dark. And I still can’t take even for one more step.

Shido!

*sigh!* It’s just another drama queen devil night.

Stop thinking of what’s right, and try to move on with what’s good. Though, it’s grateful to know that there’s no wrong. No failure.

Bad things happens, and it requires no justification, neither support from anyone.

Good things will happens only when God want it to happen.


Where is the moment we needed the most
I kick up the leaves and the magic is lost
They tell you my blue skies fade to grey
They tell you my passion's gone away
and You dont need no care at all

I stand in the line just to hit a new low
I’m faking a smile with the coffee to go
I tell you my life's been way off line
I’m falling to pieces everytime
And You don't need no carryin' on

Cause I had a bad day
I’m taking one down
I sing a sad song just to turn it around
I say you don't know
I tell you don't lie
I work at a smile and I go for a ride
I had a bad day
The camera don't lie
I’m coming back down and I really don't mind
I had a bad day
I had a bad day

Well I need a blue sky holiday
The point is they laugh at what I say
And you don't need no carryin' on

I had a bad day
I’m taking one down
I sing a sad song just to turn it around
I say I don't know
I tell you don't lie
I work at a smile and I go for a ride
I had a bad day
The camera don't lie
I’m coming back down and I really don't mind
I had a bad day

(Oh.. holiday..)

Sometimes the system goes on the blink
And the whole thing turns out wrong
I might not make it back and I know
That I could be well oh that strong
And you’re not wrong

(yeah...)

So where is the passion when I need it the most
Oh I and you
I kick up the leaves and the magic is lost

- Bad Day, Daniel Powter -

boghyahs

The power of positive thinking.

“BASI!”, I said to myself, when it was arrived in my inbox.

Though, I couldn’t stop my curiosity to open the email. And just as I thought, it was just another philosophy-soups-or-whatever-you-name-it email which was expected to give enlighten to other people.

*sigh*
Aren’t there any emails that can give me any clue to solve my financial problem?
No, I don’t believe that it can’t be solved by only using my positive thinking.

Lately my mood keeps falling down to the south; and I just don’t have any motivation anymore to go through the day.

Until this morning; when I was driving alone in the dark of dawn, suddenly the email popped up in my idled-brain. And somehow, just like hypnotize, it force me to make the list of good and bad things that ever happened in my life. And I started with the bad ones;

BAD THINGS;

1. The never-ending family drama.
2. Being gay.
3. The never-ending debts.
4. ….
5. ….
6. ….
7. ???????????????

And after I couldn’t think of any more bad things, I continue with the good ones;

GOOD THINGS;

1. I have a quite promising working experience.
2. I have a car.
3. My body part is still in a perfect order and complete.
4. I have a home.
5. I love my room.
6. I have a family.
7. I have a boyfriend.
8. I still can play billiard in a low cost at bengkel np.
9. And the last but will never be the least; I have best friends, I have Boghnyahs.

And I couldn’t stop smiling thinking the 4 last points. Yet, it makes me one of the fortunate boys in the world; I have someone to love me.


You could say I lost my faith in science and progress
You could say I lost my belief in the holy church
You could say I lost my sense of direction
You could say all of this and worse, but
If I ever lose my faith in you
There'd be nothing left for me to do

Some would say I was a lost man in a lost world
You could say I lost my faith in the people on T.V.
You could say I'd lost my belief in our politicians
They all seemed like game show hosts to me
If I ever lose my faith in you
There'd be nothing left for me to do
I could be lost inside their lies without a trace
But every time I close my eyes, I see your face

I never saw no miracle of science
That didn't go from a blessing to a curse
I never saw no military solution
That didn't always end up as something worse,
But let me say this first

If I ever lose my faith in you
If I ever lose my faith in you
There'd be nothing left for me to do
There'd be nothing left for me to do
If I ever lose my faith
If I ever lose my faith
If I ever lose my faithIf I ever lose my faith in you

- Sting, If I Ever Lose My Faith In You -

shedding tears in south pole

I’m not that rookie-boy in this gay life anymore. But, I realize that there are still some of consequences of being gay ahead. And I’ll never know whether I’m ready to face them right now, though I know that I have to face them all by myself.

One thing that I hate the most of being gay is the insecurity feelings. Well, I won’t be gay if I always feel secure. Though, sometimes I can handle this insecurity so well, so others would see me as a very happy thoughtful person. But, there are sometimes when I lost control and let this insecurity dominates my heart. And this is happening right now, at this very moment.

I feel so insecure!

I’m always got the blame.

When someone broke my heart;
It’s my fault for being stupid.

When someone couldn’t feel the same way as the way I feel for them;
It’s my fault for expecting return; they said a true love won’t ask for return.

When I broke someone’s heart;
It’s my fault for being insensitive.

When I failed to love someone;
It’s my fault for giving them hope in the first time.

And even when I missed the balls;
It’s my fault for being careless and stupid.

I may be a jerk, I may be a moron, I may be a drama queen devil. And I'm not looking for anyone to blame me, instead of helps me out of this stupidity.

But, you know what? I never ask for this to happen in me. I never think that being gay is great.

Just wait until my best friends get married with those homophobic guys. Just wait until she finds the perfect-straight guy that suits her. Just wait until my family has realized that the sinner in the family is still doing the sins.

And when that time come, I will be nothing than a piece of junk that irritating their life. And when that time come, I know that I should leave.

So, would it be my fault if I would like to temporarily enjoy my time with him right now. Yet, since we all know that there’s nothing everlasting in gay love. So please, let me do what’s right for me right now. Let me spend my time with him. Cuz, you’ll get yours at time.


La Da Da Da
The smell of your skin lingers on me now
Your probably on your flight back to your home town
I need some shelter of my own protection baby
To be with myself instead of*, clarity
Peace, Serenity

[CHORUS]
I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, Myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But Ive got to get a move on with my life
Its time to be a big gay now
And big gays don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry

The path that I'm walking
I must go alone
I must take the baby steps until I'm full grown
Fairytales don't always have a happy ending, do they
And I foreseek the dark ahead if I stay

[CHORUS]
I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, Myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
Its time to be a big gay now
And big gays don't cry

Like the little school mate in the school yard
We'll play jacks and uno cards
Ill be your best friend and you'll be mine
Valentine
Yes you can hold my hand if u want to
Cause I want to hold yours too
Well be playmates and lovers and share our secret worlds
But its time for me to go home
Its getting late, dark outside
I need to be with myself instead of*, clarity
Peace,Serenity

[CHORUS]
I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, Myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
Its time to be a big gay now

Don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry

- Fergie, Big Girls Don't Cry -

Lesson For Love No. 1

Relationship sucks!!

Or maybe it’s just me. It’s just me who never get satisfied with anything I have. Though, I swear, I never thought that a relationship can be so $#@@!!! *sigh*.

But, I have learned something about the relationship things;


1st. Be Patience.

I should be patience and try to compromise things. Regardless on how drama queen he could be, I have to keep calm and be patience. I hated him for blaming me when he finally had to face the consequences of being gay. Lucky for him; my best friends keep telling me to be patience and told me that this was our consequences that had to be faced together. I shouldn’t let him face them by himself.


2nd. Never Cheat.

And as usual, whenever I get into a relationship, I will be faced with many temptations. Suddenly, all of those uninvited cute-huggable-gays would come into party. And there I am standing in the middle of so-called dilemma. And all the excuses for cheating pops up in my head like a pop corns in the fries pan.

“No Excuses for cheats!!”, my best friend said.

“It’s ok, though being loyal doesn’t mean that you have to be a moron either.”, my other best friend said.

“It depends on your commitment, whether it is an open relationship or closed one.”, and my other best friend said.

Shit!!

And the worse thing is they keep telling me that a true love wouldn’t ask for returns. And if I love him that much, I may not expect him to feel or to do the same way.

And while, I just could never get enough of him.. I’m so into him!!


I used to change my accent, change my stance
My phone number, the way I dance
Some people change lovers like they change their sheets
But I won't change you honey, you're for keeps

I used to think I had to change the way I am
To feel better, to get a man
But once I stopped trying I fell for you
You fell for me so I'll stay the same for you

Oh yeah I know that I'm not perfect baby
Oh yeah it's no reason to go crazy
Oh yeah boy you can always count on me
For better or for worse I will always put you first

Now that I have found you
You've changed my life
Cos you're the one who showed me
I have everything right
We're never gonna differ cos we know it's true
So don't change me and I won't change you

I used to change my style like I changed my mind
I tried to change a tyre but I'm not that way inclined
Tried to change my figure my diet too
I'll still change my underwear if that's O.K with you

Oh yeah the world can sometimes make you feel bad
Oh yeah but don't forget the things you have
Oh yeah boy you can always count on me
In sickness and in health baby always be yourself

-Sophie Ellis Bextor, I Won't Change You-

pimple at the first sight, geez!

OH EM GEE.. pimples are everywhere!

I can’t take this, no more! I should go to the nearest facial clinic.. What has happened with all I have invested on my face?! It must be because of the f”ck*ng training, or is it because of the night cream? Well, it sure because I have falling in… Ummh.. I’m not so sure whether I can call this as Love or not!?-yet.

“Ah you! Drama queen bencong!!”, then I said to myself. Hihi.

Though, I’m happy that now I can feel the butterflies in my stomach… I’m happy that I still get the chance to falling for someone.

Since the first time I saw him, I knew that there was something in him that caught my attention. He had my heart right at the moment!

I’m dying to kiss him. I’m longing to feel his lips on mine for one more time.. No!! Not only for one more time, but for many more times =9.

----

“Have you ever broken someone’s heart?”

“Don’t we all live to be broken hearted and to break someone’s heart?”

And by falling for him, I know that I could hurt not only one person, but maybe two, or more. And I’m wondering, why couldn’t we be in love without hurting anyone else?!

All I can say is sorry. I don’t even know whether he might feel the same way too or didn’t. And I’m willing to take the risk. I know that I might lose the one who loves me in eventually, but then again; she never knew the risk!

And I just wouldn’t take the risk!

My cousin was right; I might lose her if I failed to maintain the relationship. I might lose the only girl who has always stands before me. The only girl who has always stands beside me. The only girl who has always stands after me. The only girl who has always be there for me. My very best friend.

No, I couldn’t let us hurt each other!

You have to know that I will always care for you.


Thought that I was going crazy
Just having one those days yeah
Didn't know what to do
Then there was you

And everything went from wrong to right
And the stars came out to fill up the sky
The music you were playing really blew my mind
It was love at first sight

'Caus baby when I heard you
For the first time I knew
We were meant to be as one...

Was tired of running out of luck
Thinking 'bout giving up yeah
Didn't know what to do
Then there was you

And everything went from wrong to right
And the stars came out to fill up the sky
The music you were playing really blew my mind
It was love at first sight

'Caus baby when I heard you
For the first time I knew
we were meant to be as one...
(to be as one)

Baby when I heard you
For the first time I knew
we were meant to be as one...

Everything went from wrong to right
And the stars came out and filled all the sky
The music you were playing really blew my mind
It was love at first sight
Love at first sight
Love at first sight
Love...
Ouhh, it was love, it was love at first sight

'Caus baby when I heard you
For the first time I knew
we were meant to be as one...
(to be as one)

'Caus baby when I heard you
For the first time I knew
we were meant to be as one...
It was love, it was love, it was love, it was love

Ouhh, it was love, it was love, it was love, it was love
Ouhh, it was love, it was love, it was love, it was love

-love at the first sight, kylie minogue-

adrenaline healing

“Noy berapa lama sih perjalanan pulang loe? 45 menit?”

Sahabat gue bertanya di saat gue mengantarkan dia pulang.

“Gak, sekitar 1- 1,5 jam kalau lancar.”

Dan dia cuma tercengang sesaat sambil berkomentar;

“Iya sih ya, mobil loe gak bisa narik sih…”

Yeap, mobil tua tercinta gue yang sampai sekarang belum gue service di bengkel untuk menghilangkan bekas rusak karena tabrakan di tanah kusir beberapa waktu yang lalu.

Gue pun mulai membayangkan betapa menyenangkannya kalau punya mobil yang bisa dibawa kebut, seperti masa-masa SMA dan kuliah dulu. Timor merah ngejreng yang bisa digaspol sampai 170 km/h kalau lagi jam istirahat kampus dan mau makan siang di gunung mas puncak. Huahaha! Kibus (kijang busuk) sahabat gue yang bisa digaspol sampai mentok 160 km/h.

The old days.

Saat gue hanya peduli untuk memanjakan adrenaline; boro-boro memikirkan keselamatan, mobil rusak saja tidak peduli. Di saat sahabat gue bisa menerobos tol Citraland – Bogor hanya dalam waktu 30 menitan di hari Sabtu sore dengan kibusnya untuk mengejar resepsi pernikahan. Di saat gue bisa bolak-balik depok-puncak untuk makan siang hanya dalam waktu 1 jam. Di saat kakak perempuan gue balapan di tengah malam di tol cikampek ditemani gue sepulang dari mengantarkan nyokap ke bandung untuk terapi.

Di saat jarak jadi tidak berbatas waktu.

Di saat sahabat gue menghabiskan setengah bodi mobilnya saat menyerempet dinding tol, di saat sahabat gue meremukan mobil calon mertuanya, di saat gue meremukan kap mesin mobil gue, di saat timor merah itu hanya menyisakan kepulan asap tebal dari knalpotnya.

Dan gue sedikit merindukan masa-masa itu. Hanya sedikit.

Karena sekarang gue tahu betapa susahnya orang tua gue karena gue, walaupun itu juga wujud dari protes gue.

Karena sekarang gue tahu betapa beruntungnya gue dan tidak seharusnya gue menyia-nyiakannya.

Dan yang pasti karena sekarang gue tahu betapa susahnya mengurus mobil sendiri.. huehehehe!

No Kebuts, no more. Gaspol ajah.. huahaha!

i’ve been to the edge
and i’ve been to the edge.
yes i’ve been to the edge.
i’ve been to the edge
and god knows if i’ve looked down.
looked down.
i’ve been to the edge
and i’ve been to the edge
yes i’ve been to the edge.
i’ve been to the edge
and god knows if i’ve looked down.
looked down.
i’ve been to the edge
[repeat]

- The Edge, Eiffel 65 -